Inferior Five - Inferior Crisis Script - 2008 Russell Payne / John Watson

THE INFERIOR FIVE – INFERIOR CRISIS - Russell Payne



A modern take on the DC parody superhero team “The Inferior Five”.

Not a re-imagining, or a dark re-telling, more like a comicbook sitcom using beloved characters, and also an excuse to poke at some of the comicbook clichés, art, storylines and traditions of the past 50 years.

They now have their own personal crisis in a New York style apartment in Megalopolis 2008, battling apathy, poverty and the super-villain in the apartment above. Continuity, realism, and the sense of any structured narrative play second fiddle to a good gag. Now pre-occupied with paying bills, staying warm and completing the latest video games rather than battling evil or saving the universe, they have all given up on being superheroes and
they often miss the point of any world crisis that other heroes would get involved with and eat pizza instead.

Set on Earth 12, like Earth 1 but much, much less serious.

Original Inferior Five rollcall-
Merry Man (Myron Victor), the son of The Patriot and Lady Liberty. A six stone weakling in a court jesters costume. Leader of the group. He has the best job, having given up his cartoonist job, a career in number processing. He supports the rest of the team financially. By far the brains of the group, he’s now slightly delusional about the superhero game and calls everyone by their Inferior Five name all the time.Awkward Man (Leander Brent), son of Mr. Might and the Mermaid. Super-strong and able to live underwater but is incredibly clumsy and unintentionally destructive. A beach bum and a writer. He takes long baths, often lasting weeks.The Blimp (Herman Cramer), the overweight son of Captain Swift who could fly like his father but, as he lacked his father's speed powers, could only fly at super slow speeds — with a tail wind. Owns Herman’s Diner.White Feather (William King), son of The Bowman and (?). A superb archer so long as no-one is watching; people made him nervous (as does everything else). A fashion/glamour photographer. His greatest fear is also his biggest fan, an eight year old girl from down the hall.Dumb Bunny (Athena Tremor), super-strong but super-stupid daughter of Princess Power (decd). Works as a model. After a string of failed relationships, including 6 months living with a supervillian made entirely of antimatter, she’s decided she might have feelings for Merry Man.

Other characters-
Windy and Willy – Two aging hippy slackers who say “Man”, “Yikes” and call people “cat” a lot. They are obsessed with comics and live in the same building as the I5.
Black Hat – An eigth year old girl who lives up the hall from the I5, she’s White Feathers biggest fan. She wears a black hat.
Trills – Like Skrulls, but also a bit like budgies.
Johnny Zebra- A zebra with human hands. Possibly the least effective superhero ever and a wannabe Inferior 5 member.
Angel & the Ape – (also created by E.Nelson Bridwell) Angel O'Day and her partner Sam Simeon (a talking gorilla) from the O'Day and Simeon Detective Agency. Angel is Dumb Bunnys half-sister.
Issue 1 –
Inferior Crisis
Living in a cramped “Friends” style apartment in 2008
Megalopolis. Awkward Man sleeps in the bath, White Feather lives in a cupboard. The Inferior five run into financial difficulties when they all simultaneously lose their jobs. The Blimp is trying a new diet, but unknowingly sleep-eating all the food, so with no money, no food and no hope, Merry Man suggests they try the one thing they all vowed never to do again – Fight Crime. Then the Trills, giant budgies who have been replacing figures of authority, invade earth, blow up the Blimp and mind control everyone but White Feather and his 8 year old fangirl.
Cover-
The I5 standing heroically on a cliff top.
DB- “We’ve got our own comic again?”
MM – “There’s obviously been some sort of horrible mistake.”
Or – A parody of a known cover.
Two things it should include though-
  1. Every member of the I5.
  2. Each member in a situation/position that shows their character. Blimp eating, White Feather quaking, Dumb Bunny… dumbing.
Page 1-
Dumb Bunny and Angel (from Angel & the Ape) shopping and talking, establishing some background and an excuse to show Dumb Bunnys legs a lot.
Panel 1-
DB and Angel trying on shoes surrounded by other show shoppers on a feeding frenzy. “50% off sale” sign, in the background a man has his head in his hands as his girlfriend shows him the thousandth pair of shoes.
Angel -“Bunny honey. You broke up with Anti-matter Jack? Was it the supervillian thing?”
DB -“That was his work, he never brought it home. It was the ANTI-MATTER thing. I thought “anti-matter” was like, “anti-war” or uh… “anti-freeze”, y’know, like he was against it, in principle, but would make an exception if the matter came wrapped up in a HOT bunny costume.”
DB (new bubble, attached, continuing). “As it turned out, every time I kissed him……his face blew up.”
Angel “Urgh. Gross”

Panel 2
Angel “So you’re back modelling?”
DB “I tried, but all the agencies want skinny plastic things, dumb blondes with little handbag dogs...”
Panel 3
DB “….and they said the bunny costume was too retro.”
Angel (with her back to DB, still sitting)- “You COULD take the bunny costume off.”
Panel 4
DB “OH NO! I’m just not that sort of girl!”
Page 2
Panel 1
Angel and DB standing now paying for the shoes.
Angel -“<sigh> No….. I mean wear something different for modelling.”
DB – “I tried that too, but then they said I was “sublime” so I said “Honey, I’m not Sub-anything”, and I left and now I’m back living with the boys.”
Angel – “The INFERIOR FIVE? If you’re hoping to get your own comic honey, I’ve been there, don’t bother,. You’d just get stuck with some murky Vertigo title where you’re a stripper, Myron is a pervert and White Feather is a serial killer.”
Panel 2
Leaving the shops (Shop name? – Shoe-Zilla / Heel Today, Gone Tomorrow )
Ape is outside asleep, Angel pinches his cheek affectionately.
Ape “Gleep?”
DB “We still have a fanbase, someone told me we were in Animal Man, but I don’t remember it, and Herman was in 52. Hey! Maybe Marvel could take us on?!”
Angel “If you were with Marvel this conversation would be six issues long.”
DB “It doesn’t matter anyway, we’re not heroes anymore. Myron gave up cartooning and got a good job at the bank, Herman has his diner, William has a photo studio, Leander……surfs. We’re like a family.”
Angel (cheerfully) “I’m happy for you, but you should stop hanging around with those losers. It was good to see you Bunny girl, we’ll catch up again soon? Toodles!”
DB “Toodles”
Panel 3
Angel walking away with Ape.
Ape – “Ugh! Shoes, always the shoes. Why so many shoes?”
Angel – “Why so many bananas? Why so much hair?”
Ape- “Fair point”.
Could DB be looking at a shopping list here??
DB (thought bubble) “I got shoes. I’m sure I came out to get something else…..”
In street scenes we see a variety of gag/reference shops/posters/newsstands in the background like-
“Crisis Crisis”, “The Way Out World of Windy and Willy”, “The Doomed Patrol”
and if it will fit somewhere, the shop Merry Man originally got his costume from in Showcase#62 the “Heroic Costume Shop”
We also see, in the background, a few people who look like large birds poorly disguised as humans.
Page 3
Panel 1
DB in a grocery store, weighed down with shoe bags and reading from a shopping list that says “Bunny -
please buy food”.
She’s in front of the cat food.
Panel 2- half of the page
She skips up the steps to the Apartment block door, carrying all the shoes in bags, and one smaller bag of groceries. DB finger in her mouth trying to remember which apartment she lives in.
In the background, you can see a Horse shouting at Windy and Willy –
“There’s a Crisis, a Crisis coming!!”. In front of the Apartment, the Infericar is parked (for ref see IF#2), the Infericar doesn’t have to be completely visible, just a bit of roof or wheel (wheel-clamped?) so anyone familiar with I5 might recognise it.
A little girl in a big black hat, wearing a lapel badge, (which turns out later to be the White Feather fanclub badge), is standing outside smiling sweetly.
DB (to BH) smiling “Hey chicken”
BBH, slightly pensive, but smiling, “Hey Bunny Lady”
Panel 3
Inside the hall, lots of little mailboxes in a line. If you can read the names then the near the top is “Inferior Five”, above them is “Dr B.Hemoth”, assorted others include “”, “Captain Tremendous”, “Ms Understood”, “Scourge O’Civilisation”, “Prof.Zygot”, “Windy and Willy”, “Electric Six”, “Kookie Quartet”, and “A.Toth”.
Bunny is sorting through the mail.
DB- “Bill, bill, bill, death threat, bill, final bill….. oooh! I’ve won a prize draw! Yay!”


Page 4
Panel 1
Interior of apartment.
Open plan, kitchen area, seating area, modest TV, lots of pictures of past glories on the walls, a Wonderfella (MMs comicstrip) page framed and portraits of each of the Five on the far wall, with their name underneath and a bulb sticking out the wall underneath that. When in danger, the bulb will flash underneath the appropriate team member and a “woot woot” sound will alert the others.
DB is walking into the room with the groceries. The rest of the gang, except for Merry Man, can all be seen in the apartment, all in costume, the Inferior Five rarely remove their costumes, there’s no good reason for this, or sense to it, I just think they look funnier in costume. The Blimp is floating, tethered to a table leg reading a book “Think Yourself Thin”. On top of the cupboards you can see that Blimp has a small living/sleeping area. Awkward Man and White Feather are watching TV on the sofa, eating popcorn from what looks like Golden Age Flash’s helmet.
Awkward Man “The Black hat? that’s not a super-villian, that’s just a kid across the hall that wears a hat.”.
White Feather “Yes. A
BLACK hat”
AM “YES, the hat is BLACK, is that a superpower? Does wearing dark headgear make you a threat to global stability? Whoaa! Lock up Charlie Chaplin, Ne-Yo, Laurel and Hardy, Bob from the video store…”
Panel 2
DB.. “Hey I’VE got a BLACK HAT?”
WF “It’s not JUST the hat, she looked at me with THOSE eyes, I swear she…….”
AM “She’s
EIGHT YEARS OLD!!!”
Blimp, reaching down, looking slightly desperate (to DB) “Did you get the Celery?”
Page 5
Panel 1
Bimp floats down to DBs level while she unpacks the groceries.
DB “Aw. Whats up Blimpy? You STILL hungry?”
Blimp “Yes. Very. All I’ve eaten for the past 3 months are negative calories. I should be thinner by now.”

Panel 2
Side profile, DB and Blimp talking, gesturing with hands.
DB “And how much weight have you lost?”
Blimp “I don’t know, I’m the Blimp, I’m weightless. Fat, but weightless, and always hungry, it’s hopeless.”

Panel 3
DB, poking Blimps nose.
Sweetie, you’re NOT fat. You’re CUTE….and fat”

Panel 4
Off the bottom right of the panel, a ringing sound effect.
SFX - BRRRINNG BRRRRINNG
AM- “The LUKEWARM LINE! It’s Myron, he’s in trouble.”
WF – “The Lukewarm Line hasn’t gone off for years. It’s serious. He…he…..he might be hurt.”
DB, horrfiied- “Or dead!”
Page 6,

Inset – Blimp- “Or worse!!”

Splash.
Merry Man, in full costume, (Woody Allen in a Court Jesters outfit), is standing on top of a pile of garbage, rotting fish, discarded comic-books (all key Leifeld issues), tins and cartons. At the bottom you can see a man in a fedora, trenchcoat and rolled up Inkblot mask eating from a tin of beans and breaking wind.
MM is waving his skinny fist at the air and exclaiming-
MM - “This LITTLE BODY’S had MORE women than YOU’LL EVER HAVE!!”
In his other hand is a bottle of alcohol, he’s apparently drunk.
Several policemen are cautiously climbing the garbage to apprehend him. None of them look very keen.
Page 7
Panel 1
White Feather is tying some string to The Blimp, Dumb Bunny is watching
WF “B…Bunny. I can’t do it if you watch.”
DB (averting her eyes) “Good Grief”

Panel 2
MM is now brandishing a carton of Orange Juice towards the police in a threatening manner. Maybe swinging it so an arc of OJ splashes out. He adopts a martial arts stance, one hand in a karate chop, but weakly.
MM- “I warn you, I know Juice Jitsu”

Panel 3
WF, one eye closed, suddenly looking more like a classic hero (Errol Flynn) now no-one is looking, aims the arrow.
DB and Blimp both have their eyes covered.

Panel 4
WF shoots the arrow, now tied to the other end of the string.
SFX- “Vooooom”

The force of the arrow whiplashes the Blimp into the sky. Not great physics I know, but if he’s weightless, the Blimp shouldn’t drag the arrow back too much.
Page 8
Panel 1
The Blimp grabs MM from the top of the garbage. The cops reach up.
MM looking drunkenly delighted- “Why, Hello Blimp!”.
Blimp “What’s going on boss?”
Panel 2
AM, leaning out of a 3rd Storey window next to where the arrow is stuck in a wall, yanks the string.
Panel 3
Blimp and MM whiz away form the cops just as they try and jump them.
MM – “You’ll never catch THE INFERIOR FIVE
Blimp- “Why don’t you write our address down too?”
Panel 4
AM hauls them in smiling smugly. “Time to go gentlemen”
Panel 5
Interior of building, MM and AM inside, trying to pull the Blimp inside.
Blimp “I’m stuck!”
Panel 6
AM stumbles backwards after losing his grip trying pull the Blimp and crashes through the wall leaving a comedy AM shaped hole.
Panel 7
AM falling out the side of the building onto the caution horse box. The back springs open releasing the horse
Panel 8 (or inset)
DB wincing.
Page 9
Using the age old comicbook device of skipping forward, presuming the reader will fill in the blanks. It’s now later and the group are together for the first time in the issue.

Location- Herman's Diner. Owned by Herman Cramer (The Blimp). An excuse for more Inferior Memorabilia to line the walls. Singed photos of past villains and heroes, faded newspaper clippings show, “JLA Save the Universe”, then “JSA Save Earth” ,then “Inferior Five Save Cat” with a little image of Blimp hovering over a tree. The diner is a little run down, the I5 eat there a lot, more because Herman doesn’t charge them than because of the food, which tends to come in little baskets, and everything tastes like chicken, except the chicken.

Panel 1
At a the diner, the I5 are all sat around a booth table. Blimp is eating Celery, looking glum. Behind them, a Zebra with human hands is eating a sandwich.
MM is drinking coffee, explaining….
I never drink, it’s been shown to slow cognitive function, permanently damage brain cells, it’s just not me”
DB, arm on his MMs shoulder consolingly “Then why didya honey?”
MM “I was at work………”

FLASHBACK-
Panel 2
MM at his desk, in an office, in costume, everyone else is in business suits. That’s the joke really.
On his desk you can see a document that’s says “Business Strategy”

Panel 3
Boss man looms over MMs desk. “We’ve had a call from head office”
Panel 4
MM looks up expectantly. “Promotion?”
BM stern “Not exactly”

Panel 5
BM slamming cardboard box down on desk. The idea is to make it apparent that the box is to pack his things in and leave, if this can be conveyed in the BMs expression, so much the better, but he could say-
Pack your things” as well.
Page 10
Panel 1
Quote Caption-
They told me that a new cutback plan was in force and all staff dressed in medieval attire had to go.”
MM, a man in a suit of armour leading a horse, a woman with a big pointy hat and veil, a ridiculously large dragon (maybe just the head or tail) all leaving an office block, all with boxes under their arms.

Panel 2
Back to Diner.
Waitress slaps a bill down on the table.
Blimp smiling- “It’s alright, it’s on the house, as usual guys?”
Waitress, deadpan-
Not anymore Fatso. You ate all the stock.”

Panel 3
Front of Diner.
Someone is pasting an “Under New Management” banner across the front window.

Panel 4
Blimp (agast)- “What!?! But I’m on a DIET. I haven’t eaten ANYTHING for MONTHS!”
Waitress
<sigh> Watch the security tapes. You’ve been SLEEP-EATING”

Panel 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
Video Camera screens, with wavy static lines and grey pixels, timestamps in bottom right showing different dates, but all early hours of the morning.
In each frame, you can see the Blimp, asleep, and gorging himself on food from the restaurant, sandwiches, cakes, emptying the freezer of ice-cream and in one screen, he’s asleep, wearing a chef hat, working the griddle and making himself a massive burger.

From this point on, the diet is off and Blimp can be seen eating in every possible situation we can manage, especially during fight scenes.
Page 11
Now we’ve established Merry man and Blimp are jobless, we just want to whiz through the obvious next plot development, that Dumb Bunny, Awkward Man and White Feather also get sacked….. 8 panels. 4 rows of 2.

Panel 1
Small panel. Back at the table. Close up on Merry Man, gesturing with his hands for everyone to calm down.
Merry Man “Guys, guys, it’s OK, three of us still have jobs….”

Panel 2
Longer panel on the same row, Straight on faces of DB, AM and WF, all looking twitchy and sheepish. Eyes to ceiling or to the side, lips mock chewing or whistling. Maybe panel 1 & 2 can be 1 panel?

Panel 3
Dumb Bunny, in the Bunny suit, getting filmed by a camp, probably beret wearing film director on location somewhere, a beach or a disco or in a sports car?
Director swooping around with the camera - “Darling, you’re sublime, you’re stupendous”

Panel 4
DB looks offended. We covered this earlier so no need for further explanation.

Panel 5
White Feather’s photography studio exterior. You can see where it used to say “Portraits” “Family Photos Taken” “Graduation Photos” but they have all been crossed out. In the window are lots of empty easels. Just one has a photo on it, of an apple.

Panel 6
Inside, White Feather is hiding behind his desk while the answephone picks up a message-
Answerphone in jagged answerphoney speech bubble –
MR KING, YOU’RE A PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPHER. YOU HAVEN’T ACTUALLY TAKEN ANYONES PHOTO FOR NEARLY 2 YEARS NOW. WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO CLOSE YOU DOWN. MR KING? MR KING….?”

Panel 7
AM surfing.

Panel 8
AM surfing, exactly the same panel as 7 , just slightly different posture.
AM looking at reader shrugging. “I don’t work.”

Page 12
Face shots.
Panel 1
WF “We’re BROKE.”
Panel 2
Blimps “We’re FUGITIVES”
Panel 3
DB “We’re UNEMPLOYED.”
Panel 4
MM “We’re broke, unemployed, fugitives.”
Panel 5
AM hitting the table in the middle, breaking it in two so either far end flips up and gets MM and WF under the chin.
AM - “We’re screwed.”
Blimp, flipping through a “comics code authority book” - “Can we say “screwed?”
Panel 6
The Caution Horse bursts into the room and screams at them all, blowing the Blimp across the room-
AND THERE’S A CRISIS! THERE’S A CRISIS COMING!!!!”

Everybody looks suitably shocked. Except for DB, who’s distracted by her nails.

Page 13
Splash page with titles.
Heroic, although sarcastically so, pose of the I5, wind in their hair, MM at the front, Caution Horse in the far back with a “?” over his head. A bit like the cover.
MM – “Team, we’ve failed at everything we’ve ever tried. We didn’t cut it as musicians, our ice-sculpture business , we can’t hold down a day-job, we’ve only one choice left.”
Blimp - “Are we gonna try competitive eating competitions again?”
MM - “The INFERIOR FIVE are back in the HERO BUSINESS!”
DB – shocked. “No!”
AM – “Why have we waited 13 pages to do the titles?”
Caution Horse “What about the Crisis? No one listens to talking Horses anymore….. We used to get some respect….people listened to Mr Ed…..He’d say “There’s a Crisis”, and Wilbur would pay attention…..” (mumbling font, getting smaller and trailing off….)
A Trill in disguise, a proper disguise, like the Thing used to wear, hat and coat, shuffles off writing in a pad.

Credits at bottom of page -
INFERIOR CRISIS in Infinite Crisis font.
by Payne/Watson
Inferior Five created by E.Nelson Bridwell, Joe Orlando & Mike Esposito

Page 14

The sole purpose of this page is to introduce a complicated villain and then immediately dispatch him. Johns idea!
Panel 1
Exterior NY street.
A caravan is parked in front of an Embassy. A proper English Caravan , that you don’t see so much in the States, pale blue fibreglass hull, towed by a Morris Minor. All manner of sci-fi gadgets sit on top of the roof of the Caravan, betraying it as……
Speech bubble from inside-
After a lifetime of planning, all the ridicule of my peers, the accident with the radioactive bats, the lawsuit with Don Most….”

Panel 2
Evil Professor type inside. A ridiculously elaborate supervillian, with a see-through glass head and exposed brain, giant bat-ears, lab coat with lots of pens in top pocket. Holding what looks like a Gatling gun with a ZX Specturm taped on top of it.
..and now I, Doctor Glassheadandbatears, will open a multiversal tear with my Rift-o-matic, empty the vault and kill everyone in the bank, especially the one that refused my second mortgage..”

Panel 3
Inferior Five are walking storming down the street,
MM – “We have to be prepared, know our enemy. This time we plan, we organise, we have a business strategy…”
DG opens the Caravan door, brandishing his giant evil weapon thing.

Panel 4
MM “a vision….”
AM bumps into the door
AM – “Oop. Sorry”
And keeps running.

Panel 5
DG sat on floor, in a puddle of his brain juice.
Caution Horse is looking down at him.
CH (conspirationally) “There’s a Crisis coming.”
DG Thought bubble “………..”

Page 15
Panel 1
Caption – “TRILL Mothership.”
An obvious household appliance *(Toaster? Vacuum? Whatever you have at home) floating in space, the earth can be seen below. Kirby dots?
Panel 2
Caption –
B.E.R.T.I.E. the Trill overlord.
B. is like MODOK, but with a Budgies face.


Bottom caption - “*B.E.R.T.I.E. - Budgerigar Emperor Ready To Invade Earth” (that’s an attempt to make fun of MODOKs ridiculous “Mobile Organism Designed Only for Killing” acronym……..)
B is talking to a minion.
The minion is more SKRULL like, but with budgerigar overtones, and wringing their hands toadily.
B – “Nothing can stand in our way now minion…..”
Panel 3
Caption “We control the corridors of power.”
Oval Office, Presidential Desk. George Bush talking to his pet budgie, who looks suspiciously large in his cage.
GB – “What does Mr Twinkle think Daddy should do about monetery policy?”
Mr Twinkle- “Cap interest rates and reduce capital investment.”

Panel 4
Caption “We have extinguished the powers of magic.”
Plinth with plague “Mystic Flame of All Powerful Magic”
A Trill in pinching out the flame with his thumb and index finger.
In the background a Wizard Shazam type is scowling-
Wizard – “Damn.”

Panel 5
Caption “We have infiltrated the very highest levels of society”
Oscar Ceremony, a celeb (pick someone you can caricature in the Oksner style, like Hope and Lewis, but Robin Williams, Billy Crystal.
I’d like to thank my producer, my director, my merciless Trill overlord B.U.D.G.I.E……..”

Panel 6
Caption – “We have disposed of Earths mightiest heroes…”
Superman opening the mail, Lois Lane in the background-
S – “Hey Lois! Look! We’ve won a 52-week package holiday to another galaxy!! All-inclusive!”
Lois – “Woohoo!”

Panel 7
B- “The final phase is upon us, prepare the fleet.”
Minion (leaving)- “Yes, my lord.”

Panel 8 (could be 4 small face only panels, or one panel with 4 speech bubbles..)
B looking at himself in a mirror. A round mirror with a bright plastic frame like in a birdcage.
B – “Who’s a pretty boy then?”
B- “You are.”
B- “Yes YOU are…..”
B- “Mwahahaha!!!”
Page 16

Panel 1
Still on the Trill Mothership, an underling sheepishly sidewalks back in, holding a photo of the Inferior Five and taps BERTIE on the shoulder, or what passes for a shoulder.
Underling- “Master?”
BERTIE irritated - “Yes? What!!?”

Panel 2
Underling show him the photo.
Underling - “It’s just. I er.. I think we missed some of the heroes. They were retired but we just heard…..”
BERTIE “Well blow them up then! BLOW THEM ALL UP!!! MWAH HAHA HAH”

Panel 3
4/5ths of the page top panel, but segmented by lots of speech bubbles.
Back at the apartment, Merry Man has a flipchart and pointy stick. On the Flipchart is a list of names.
MM- “Now which of our arch-nemesis’ are still active?”
MM -“Frazzetoid, the Immortal Zombie?”
Blimp – “Dead. Food Poisoning.”
MM- “Omnipolytron Android Overlord?”
AM – “Rust.”
MM- “Bob Death and his Trombone of Agony?”
AM – “He sells real estate in LA.”
MM- “Rott the Indestructabe?”
DB – “Destroyed.”
MM- “Pterano Don Juan?”
AM – “Extinct.”
MM- “Keif the Pocket Thief?”
AM- “He’s still evil, but he’s an art dealer now, small time, naturally.”
MM – “Oh come on! What about the Antimatter Tarantula?”
Blimp – “Food Poisoning again. Same restaurant as the Zombie guy. Bad Shrimp I think.”
MM “For pity’s sake. Where’s White Feather gone?”

Panel 4, just the bottom strip of the page.
Black panel. Pair of eyes belonging to WF in the middle.
WF “I don’t wanna be a hero, I don’t wanna be a hero.”
Page 17

Panel 1
Windy and Willy in a comicbook store. Windy is in front of a couple of shelves worth of action figures, Willy is thumbing through back issues on a spinner rack.
Windy is holding a White Feather action figure.
Windy “He didn’t want to be a hero”

Panel 2
Willy turning from looking at the racks with a “huh?” expression. “Who?”
Windy “This cat, WHITE FEATHER, of the Inferior Five, son of arch archer THE BOWMAN.”

Panel 3
Willy takes the action figure and peers at it.
Willy “Ah. The quivering quiver. Man, he sucked at being a hero.”

Panel 4
Windy “Yeah but he didn’t want to be a hero, he was afraid of being a hero”
Willy “He was afraid of girls.”
Windy “and spiders.”

Panel 6
Willy “and loud noises.”
Windy “He was afraid of everthing.”
Willy “He was afraid of being afraid.”
Windy “What happened to him?”

Panel 7
Willy “I saw him at one of his fathers funerals year.”
Windy “Which one?”
Willy “Third one, after he got resurrected by the ring, but before he got stabbed in the throat on his wedding night. Feather was crying.”
Windy “Because of his Father? Man, thats sad.”
Willy “No, a leaf frightened him.”
Windy “That’s one fraidy cat, cat.”
Page 18
Panel 1
BH edging away from her parents apartment door. Looking scared but smiling, trying not to show it too much.
BH “I….. I won’t be long Mom. I’m going to….. play outside.”

Panel 2
BHs parents, obviously Trills. In the background, you can see a photo of the family, BH with two normal looking humans. The father in the photo has glasses and a moustache, the mother has blonde Sue Storm hair. The two Trills are dressed in the same clothes as the parents in the photo, but are obviously Budgie/Lizards, one wearing glasses and a bad lopsided fake moustache, one wearing a lopsided blonde wig and false eyelashes.
Trill Mom and Trill Dad, sharing a speech bubble, in unision- “OK HONEY. SEE YOU LATER. WE LOVES YOU.”

Panel 3
BHs back, walking away.
BH – “…..love…. you too…..”

Panel 4
AM in the bath, MM behind him on the toilet, reading a newspaper. Behind MM is a slightly open window.
AM “You think we’re ever going to be a proper superhero team Myron?”
MM (reading and not looking at AM) “We ARE a proper superhero team Awkward Man.”

Panel 5
AM in bath, close up, he’s holding a toy submarine.
AM - “Proper superheroes don’t have to live in the bathroom”

Panel 6
MM reading.
MM – “Batman lives in a cave”
AM – “Yeah but it’s a cool cave with dinosaurs and giant money”
MM – “It’s not legal tender you know……”
Page 19

All widescreen panels.

Panel 1
Caption – “TRILL Mothership. Again.”
B.E.R.T.I.E. the Trill overlord is perched on a little swing.
B. screaming, in a manic Davros-esque style – “INITIATE!!!”

Situations around the world where the poorly disguised Trills whips off their masks to reveal they are really budgie-creatures, often shouting “AHA!”.

Panel 2
Caption: LONDON
Two Trill beefeaters removing their masks in front of the Queen.
Trills – “Aha!”
Queen, spilling her tea, – “

Panel 3
Caption: PARIS
Show Trill versions of the French President (and his model wife) removing their Trill masks.
Both – “Et Voila!!”
Man – “Ma qualité ! Je n'ai jamais imaginé pour un instant que vous étiez vraiment un oiseau étranger mauvais déguisé en tant que notre chef aimé.”

Panel 4
Caption: CANADA
Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is happening, just a man sat watching hockey on TV picking his nose.

Panel 5
Caption: UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
The oval office, a small cage shows a suspiciously large Trill budgie posing as George Bush’s pet. It rips off it’s mask to reveal an identical budgie face underneath, and GWB is seen gasping in horror.
Mr Twinkle “Aha!”
GWB – “MR TWINKLE!!!”

Panel 6
Caption: NORWAY
On stage, the band AHA! Are playing a live gig, a TRILL disguised as a fan leaps on stage, removes his mask and points at Morton Hacket.
Trill “Aha!”
Page 20
Panel 1, top half of page.
Caption: MEGALOPOLIS
Caution Horse screaming in close up on the left of the panel.
CH - “Crisis! It’s a CRISIS!! It’s another CRISIS”
Behind the street is littered people- policemen, taxi drivers, dogs, the pizza delivery boy, all revealing themselves to be TRILLS. In the sky we see a Trill ships descending, looking as bit like those Henry vacuum cleaners but with no bobbly eyes and more hoses all the way round.

Then show the I5 completely oblivious to it all.

Panel 2
AM and MM. AM still in the bath.
AM – “Whats all that noise outside”
MM (shutting window)– “Probably just some kids”

Panel 3
Main apartment room, just lounging around. No speech. All looking a bit bored.

Blimp playing a game on a laptop. DB is doing her nails. White Feather is checking an arrow is straight.

Page 21

Panel 1
Caption –“The Way Out Apartment of Windy Newton and Willy Wiggs”
Windy and Willy.
Windy on the couch. Willy is looking out the window.
Willy – “Yikes! People seem to be turning into birds.”

Panel 2
Windy – “It’ll just be another crisis, we’re always having them, just ignore it and everything’ll be exactly the same in a few issues.”

Panel 3
Willy sitting back down next to Windy.
Willy- “Dude, why do we have to have an annual Crisis?”
Windy- “Is it annual now? It seems more like weekly?”

Panel 4
Willy counting mentally, eyes up, mouth pursed.
Willy “Yeah man, there was multiple crisis, time crisis, fiscal crisis, environmental crisis, class crisis….”

Panel 5
Windy counting on fingers…..
Windy – “..crass crisis, cress crisis, chris crisis…..”
Willy – “Which one was that?”
Windy- “Remember when everyone called Christopher started acting all weird?”
Willy – “Yeah?”
Windy – “That was the chris crisis”
Page 22

Panel 1
Willy – “Miniture crisis, crisis intervention, déjà vu crisis.”
Windy – “You said that already.”

Panel 2
Still on the couch, they don’t often move from the couch. Keep the same frame, but alter face and body language as much as possible.
Windy, still counting on fingers - “cuban missile crisis, crisis response unit, forgotten crisis, penultimate crisis….”
Windy – “I saw something about an “economic crisis” on the news……”
Willy – “That doesn’t count, no superhero involvement.”

Panel 3
Windy- “final crisis, absolutely final crisis, this is the last crisis ever honest it is, oh crikey another crisis and of course last years massive Crisis Crisis.”

Panel 4
Willy – “Crisis crisis?”
Windy- “They were worried they were going to run out of crises so all the heroes went to another dimension and got some new ones.”

Panel 5
Windy and Willy have now finished talking, they both pick up a comic and start reading. Pick two absolutely classic, perfect examples of the comic genre, but not ones that are too well known like Batman or Superman. Like the Legion Wedding Special, or one of the Jimmy Olsen Rickles issues, or a Wrightson Swamp Thing cover, Adams, Oksner might be appropraite…... Gotta be DC I suppose….
Page 23
Lots of smaller panels. Maybe too much for one page, split over two or edit down?
Panel 1
The little girl, Black Hat, is reaching up and knocking on the door of the apartment. Carrying a thread-bare teddy and a shoulder bag. She has a “White Feather Fanclub” badge on her little bag.
Panel 2
Dumb Bunny answers the door.
DB “Hello Sweetie”
Panel 3
BH “Hi Bunny Lady. Is this where Mr White Feather lives please?”
Behind the door WF is shaking his head “no” furiously.
Panel 4
DB “I…. He’s not available right now little darling”
BH (disappointed) “but I really, really need his help.”
Panel 5
DB steps outside to talk to BH in the hall
BH showing DB a photo, “Look, my parents, they’re not themselves”
DB “I know, it’s hard being little, but when you grow up everything makes much more sense.”
Panel 6
Close up of photos in BH’s hands, one showing the old parents, one showing the Trill imposters. The difference is obvious.
BH – “No, I mean they’re REALLY NOT themselves. Look!”
DB (totally missing the point)
DB “Oh baby, sometimes Mummy and Daddy get tired, but it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.”
BH “Just LOOK AT THE PHOTOS”
Panel 7
Silent panel. DB looking at the photos. Her brow furrows.
Panel 9
BH “Well? Do you see?”
DB smiling “I like your Moms hat in this one.”
Panel 10
BH walking away frustrated, angry, verge of tears. Throws photos behind her.


Page 24
Splash page, Black Hat crying. Throws WF fan club badge away, it gets a splash of something on it, like Watchmen?

Not sure about this page? I was thinking of a change of tone, quite an arty page of a little girl crying, betrayed by her hero. Not really in keeping with the tone of the issue, but an attempt to hammer home the pathos her situation.

Thoughts?

Page 25
Panel 1
AM, still in the bath. Eyes closed and big smile on his face.
Panel 2
Merry Man is immersed in the whiteboard. Like in HOUSE? With lots of ineffective ways of fighting crime written out and then crossed out.
Whiteboard- a couple of doodles in the corners, a stick man with a jesters hat.
HEADING – “Ways to fight crime”
Group Therapy.
Reward Good Behaviour.
Tell their parents
Channel supervillian tendancies into non-violent pusuits – Choral singing, tapestry, basket weaving, sudoku
Quick hardening foam spray
Tell them to stop it.

Panel 3
Dumb Bunny is holding a TV Guide, frowning, concentrating really, really hard on reading it. WF is paralysed with fear as he watches tendrils snake out of the laptop Blimp is playing a game on, one in particular covering Blimps mouth, like a vacuum attachment.
WF tapping DB on shoulder. “B…..B……B…….B….B…..”
DB – “SHUSH Feather, I’m trying to concentrate….”
Panel 3
Blimps face, his cheeks are blown up beyond all proportion.
Panel 4
Merry Man notices the Blimp.
Hey! Hermans trying to eat the laptop! Stop it!”
Panel 5
The Blimp frantically trying to remove the hose from his mouth, eyes bulging.
Dumb Bunny about to pat him on the back.
DB “He’s choking.”
WF “Do something!”
Page 26
Panel 1
DB slaps Blimp on his back.
Panel 2
And Sends him crashing out the window. Show from inside the apartment, square on towards the window, Blimp flying backwards through the window.
Panel 3
Long shot. Exterior of Apartment. Maybe in silhouette.
Show Blimp flying several feet out the window and at an upwards angle, still attached to the hose. Debris raining down from the window.
Panel 4
DB hand to mouth.
DB- “Whoops.”
Panel 5
AM, still in the bath. Asleep now. Mouth slightly under the water so he blows bubbles.
Page 27
Panel 1
TRILL mothership interior. On a vidscreen you can see an ever growing Blimp inflating outside the apartment.
B. is screaming at a cowering minion-
I said BLOW him up. BOOM BANG! Not BLOW HIM UP!!!”

Panel 2
The Way Out Apartment of Windy Newton and Willy Wiggs. Their wives/girlfriends, Wendy (Willy’s wife) and Vicky (Windy’s wife), are there.



On the TV, you can see B. shouting “Blow Him Up!”
Wendy watching TV and clinging to Willy on the sofa.
Wendy “I’m scared Willy, what’s going to happen to us all?”
Panel 3
Willy, matter of fact, cheerful “Well, if it’s like Crisis on Infinite Earths, our whole reality might just cease to exist.”
Windy, speech bubble only from off panel, “Or our sun might get extinguished plunging us into eternal darkness?”
Willy “But it’s looking more like an alien takeover intent on ending all human life to me.”
Panel 4
Wendy, sullen “You’re not helping”

Panel 5
Windy and Vicky at the window. Wife looking up.
Vicky, scared too, well rounded female characters here– “What’s that up in the sky?”
Windy “Yikes, it’s the BLIMP!”

Panel 6
Willy and his girl on the sofa. Wendy clinging to him.
Wendy “Willy, I’m scared. What does it mean?”
Willy , excited now “Well, I HOPE it means there’s gonna be an Inferior Five comeback issue!!”
Page 28
Panel 1
Blimp outside, being slowly inflated, he’s now more like an actual Blimp, tethered to the building by the hose. He’s waving his arms and legs impotently.
Panel 2
Trill Ship. It’s B.E.R.T.I.E. He’s manic now.
B – “PATHETIC HUMAN FILTH!!”
Panel 3
B. talking to the world, now using an old fashioned radio microphone.
B.- “Please report to your nearest Trill and death will be swift and painful.”
Panel 4
Continuing the sentence on the laptop screen in the I5 aqprtment.
B – “There is no hope of salvation. We’ve replaced your authority figures, your rulers, your teachers, your parents….with Trill agents…..”
Panel 5
MM “That’s what that little girl said to Dumb Bunny”
DB “It is?”
Panel 6
WF “Do….Do you think she’s behind all of this?”
MM slapping hand to face- “No. She was asking for our help.”
Page 29
Panel 1
White feather, shocked, sad, picks up the badge in the hallway.
Panel 2
WF picks up the photos in the hallway that BH discarded.
Panel 3
WF face. A moment of realisation that maybe BH isn’t a supervillian.
Panel 4
MM pokes his head out the apartment door.
White Feather?”
Panel 5
WF disappearing down the stairwell. MM following.
MM “We’re supposed to WORK AS A TEAM!!”
Panel 6
DB screaming, forearms forward, palms up.
DB - “Leander!!! GET OUT OF THE BATH!!!!”
In the background all the lights under the pictures of the team are flashing. Except AMs. On the laptop screen, if it’s visible, B.s face is still there ranting.
Panel 7
DB leaping from the window to try and save Blimp.
DB “Hermaaaaaaan!!”
Page 30
Panel 1
AM, still in the bath. Asleep now. Mouth slightly under the water so he blows bubbles.

While everywhere else, Chaos ensues.

Panel 2
WF rushing down the stairs to help BH. Looking very panicked. He whizzes past an open door with Windy and Willy standing in it.
Panel 3
Windy and Willy look at each other stunned.
Panel 4
Same layout as Panel 2, but this time MM whizzes past them. All gangly legs and arms.
Panel 5
Windy and Willy recognise WF, look at each other delighted. High five?
Together – “COMEBACK ISSUE!!”
Page 31
Panel 1
Largest panel on the page, 2/3rds at least. Street scene outside the I5 apartment. From WFs POV.
The street is full of Trills, lots of Trills, some herding humans, some eating, some chatting, some looking admiringly in little mirrors and one who has hold of BH, all turning towards the reader (and thus WF), baring their beaks and “HISSSSS” ing. Where the Trills were previously quite comedic, this panel takes then seriously, make it as genuinely unnerving as you can.
Panel 2
WF face, close up, stopped in his tracks, shocked expression as he sees the hissing and realises this is actually something worth being afraid of.
Panel 3
Classic White Feather faint. Like a stiff board falling over.

Merry man catches him, you don’t have to show this, it’s in the next page, but you could maybe show his arms reaching out from off panel. Or not.
Page 32
Splash
Merry Man is holding a recently fainted White Feather in his arms, tears running down his face. Like –
But with his legs buckling under the weight of WF.
In the sky, the Blimp, inflated to impossible proportions, has DB dangling from him. Caution Horse is somewhere on Street Level, quite calmly commenting- “Told You.”
NEXT ISSUE: INFERIOR WAR: FRONTLINE !!









Issue 1 is mostly a "secret invasion" parody. They lose their jobs, the TRILLS take over the earth. The I5 hole up in their apartment.

Issue  2 -  There's an issues worth of material in spoofing Civil War -Dumb Bunny, Blimp and White Feather fall out with Merry man and Awkward Man over something trivial like who ate the last slice of Pizza or who's turn it is to take out the trash, and it escalates beyond all reason, maybe have Merry Man blow up the planet in the final panel, ("If I can't enjoy it, then no-one can!!") then ignore it all for the next issue). Heroes from all over take sides, Merry Man makes White Feathers cupboard into a prison for people who disagree with him. A major Pennance parody of some sort, a hero who gets more powerful the more he's tickled or something........

In issue 2 I was planning to resolve the whole Trill thing in the first 6 to 10 pages of issue 2. Blimp inflates to the size of a small moon, his gravitational pull throws the Trill Mothership off course and Blimp lets out the universes largest ever belch (I did think fart but is it too juvinile?) plunging the mothership into the sun. White Feather is trying to shoot an arrow to release everyone as they one by one pass out due to the mothership mind control exploding. Merry Man and Dumb Bunny are last. Only when he realises no-one is watching because the entire planet is unconscious does he shoot a perfect "one in a million!" exhaust port type shot releasing everyone. Awkward Man tries to catch a deflated Blimp as he plummets from space (screaming "I'm THIN! I'm THIN"), crashing through walls, peoples front rooms, a hospital ward, only to miss Blimp by inches. Blimp crashes into the ground, leaving a hole, AM cries over the hole, only to see Blimp rise a couple of panels later inflated again and back to normal.

It’s not like I blew up a school” during Civil War argument.

All the people the Trills replaced then beat up their replacements and some stick them in cages as pets, I trhought we could show Trills as big budgies in cages in the background in later issues as a sort of running joke. I like the old lady idea though, we can use that?

For Issue  2 our notes said-  There's an issues worth of material in spoofing Civil War -Dumb Bunny, Blimp and White Feather fall out with Merry man and Awkward Man over something trivial like who ate the last slice of Pizza or who's turn it is to take out the trash, and it escalates beyond all reason, maybe have Merry Man blow up the planet in the final panel, ("If I can't enjoy it, then no-one can!!") then ignore it all for the next issue). Heroes from all over take sides, Merry Man makes White Feathers cupboard into a prison for people who disagree with him. A major Pennance parody of some sort, a hero who gets more powerful the more he's tickled or something........

So after the Trills are defeated, we have a couple of pages of sitting chatting and it all escalates into Civil War parody? Civil War kind of led into Secret Invasion, so we're doing it backwards, maybe one of the I5 can turn out to be a Trill straggler, a Super-Trill? So it exaplins why they fall out? Always end with a cliffhanger, so I thought we could maybe continue the theme of classic comic moments for the final page and this time have Dumb Bunny and Awkward Man doing the "Spiderman No More" cover, but with DB walking away and AM with the bin on his head. legs sticking out the bottom?

Issue 3- A "fan" issue, where each of the I5 argues over who has the most fans, giving an opportunity to spoof conventions, rabid fanboys, obsession over minute comicbook details, the five could agree to attend a convention and get lots of "In issue 3, page 6, panel 5 you stated...." type questions. Very fat, ugly women cosplaying as Dumb Bunny. Black Hat turns out to be White Feathers biggest fan, the Blimp turns out to have more fans than all the rest put together, no one can see why, until in the final panel show Blimp fans around the world, all massive Biffas sat at their keyboards.

Issue 4 - Parody other comic milestones/moments, mostly Watchmen, but swipes at Dark Knight, Cerebus, all the "Year:Ones", Alien/Predator, Spawn, merchandising. An Inferior Five version of the Watchmen? have a reoccurring symbol throughout the issue, all six panels per page, symmetrical pages, a "Black Freighter" story within a story, but called "Brown Frigate".

Issue 5 - "The Death of Captain Canada". Spoof of Captain America dying, repeatedly. And other comic book deaths, Robin, Green Arrow, Hal Jordan, Flash, Supergirl.......

Issue 6 - Alternate Universe version of the Inferior Five, the Superior Five, enter the apartment through a dimensional rift in the Television and get on everyone’s nerves by being generally quite good at everything, smug, clever and not very funny.











2 comments:

  1. Man, this is GREAT!! I'd buy it! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I wish this comic existed.

    ReplyDelete