Thursday, 27 October 2016

Rosie

I'm not an enormous fan of people baring every detail of their lives online, but I'm about to. I'm getting so many lovely messages and I'm struggling to keep up with them all, I don't want them to stop, I just wanted to explain to as many people at one time why I might be a little quiet for a while, why I might not reply to you straight away and what happened to cause this.

On Monday I had three beautiful daughters, now I have two. My middle child, Rosie, took her own life on Monday night. She was 19.

Rosie was a passionate, moody, delightfully contradictory, caring, TV-show-binging, protective, gorgeous, awesome teenager. When she was happy, she bounced off the walls with it, spreading an infectious glee, when she wasn't, she didn't. Her devotion to her dog, Darcy was beautifully intense, she was an evangelically militant vegan and she was better at nearly everything then she thought she was. Like so many teens, like so many people, she battled to adequately communicate her real feelings, many of our conversations revolved around sarcasm, hugs that had lasted forever when she was little now had to be stolen, but I hope she knew I always loved to be with her. Hiding away to watch a terrible movie together when we both should have been doing more productive things was a guilty pleasure I'd now give anything to do with her again just once. I miss her so much, I generally only cry at particularly poignant episodes of Dr Who. That moment when K-9 got rebuilt gets me every time. This is obviously a lot worse. I'm struggling. I'm having to drink more water to fund all of the tears, but I'll get there.

So I want people to know I'm going to be busy for a while giving my full attention to the needs of my lovely wife and daughters. I've lost one of the most important people in the world to me, and so if you are expecting me to meet a deadline/reply to an email/act rationally in the next few weeks, please accept my apologies, but it's even more unlikely to happen than usual.

Rosie hated having her photo taken, I have hundreds of family photos with everyone else smiling and then Rosie with a menu or a hand covering her face, these are the last few photos I took of my baby, there's one nice one where she has baked a (vegan) cake for my 24th wedding anniversary. It was lovely, as was she.

I love you Rosebud. Hugs forever x

Rosie Elouise Payne

Rosie Payne


Rosie Elouise Payne
Rosie Elouise Payne - 1997-2016

People keep asking me if they can do anything, just asking is more than enough. If you are reading this and feeling you want to do something......one thing you can do for me - If you are fortunate enough to have people you love, stop spending time looking at this and go tell them right now, in person if you can, connect with them, hold them, kiss them, treasure them and remind yourself that every single moment you can spend with them is irretrievably precious.

If you were wanting to send flowers or anything like that, then please instead consider a donation to Rosie's favourite charity - Homeless Hounds at http://www.homelesshounds.org.uk



67 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear of your loss Russ x
    Bee

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  2. In our thoughts and prayers.
    Rob & Jan

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  3. I have no idea how you will cope with this sad loss. But I do know that you WILL cope. We've not known each other long enough to use the word 'friends' but I still want you to know there's another ear to hear your pain.
    Love to your family at this dark time.

    Matt Cartwright.

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  4. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all at this sad and difficult time.
    I met Rosie through my daughter Rachel and was thrilled when she adopted Darcy. I was with HH from 2012 and Darcy was a special dog who waited a long time for a very special person. That person was Rosie with her big heart and dedication. Heaven has gained another Angel, goodnight God bless Rosie, you will be missed.

    Anne-Marie xx

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  5. Thoughts go out to you and your family Mr Payne. I met Rosie 2 years ago and we became really good friends, she helped me through thick and thin. If only we could see her one more time. She was lovely, caring and always smiling. I would of classed her my sister of it was possible.
    Hope you and your family are okay.

    Bradley w!

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    1. Thanks Bradley. We're bearing up, we've got lots of family and friends supporting us, but I really appreciate your message.

      ...and call me Russ. :)

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  6. Such beautiful words Russ. We can't begin to imagine your heartbreak. To lose a child is not the natural course of events. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.

    xxxTina, Scott & family xxx

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    1. Thanks guys, and thankyou for popping round, means so much. x

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  8. I understand that there is nothing that I can say that will make you feel whole again. I just hope that my words may bring you and your family some comfort.

    I have known your wonderful daughter from primary school all the way to college and so I have witnessed her affect on the people around her. Rosie was an inspiration. She cared for everybody and couldn't bear to see another in pain. She went out of her way to help anyone who needed it. Her cheerful, happy and bubbly personality lit up any room and everyone in it. She never failed to make me laugh. She was such a nice and genuinely good person, the world needs more like her.
    Sending love to you and your family,

    Just one of the many people your daughter had an impact on. x

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  9. Heartbreaking.. I never knew Rosie but my deepest sympathies to you and your family.

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  10. I kmow we didnt know each other well Russ but we too have an 18/19 year old daughter. She was at Blackpool Sixth.
    Our thoughts are with you all mate

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  11. We knew each other briefly through work Russ and I have had the pleasure of knowing two of your daughters through my daughters Sammy and Lauren. Sammy and Rosie used to get on so well together and helped each other a lot through high school. There are no words to express how we are feeling so we just wanted to let you know we are thinking of you all and send all our love.

    Karen, Sammy and Lauren Smith xxx

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  12. I'm was a friend of caitlins from high school, I'm so sorry to hear this. Please let Caitlin know I'm thinking of her, as I know how close you all are.

    Laura

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    1. Thankyou. I'll show Caitlin your message later. xx

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  13. Russ - this is Cheryl and my heart is breaking for you!! I take on board and will carry out every single thing you've requested but I need to let you know I'm here for you as I always was. I have no other way of getting in touch which grieves me so PLEASE if there is anything you need or anything I can do please message me on FB .... in the meantime I am sending you and yours the most largest cyber hug that ever existed. With love my friend xxxxx

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    1. Thankyou Cheryl xxx

      I'm not on FB, you can use the contact form on the right hand side of my blog to email me if you ever need to, but your message means a lot. Hope you are doing alright.

      Big cyber hugs right back at you xx

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  14. I do really, really appreciate all the kind comments, forgive me if I don't reply, we've just got so much going on at the moment and I need to give my attention to my family, not my laptop, but thankyou so much to everyone for their thoughts and words xx

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  15. So sorry. In our thoughts and prayers every day. Such beautiful words....

    Jan

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  16. Russ - this is heartbreaking news and your words for your wonderful daughter are just so beautiful and heartfelt. I know from working with you just how much you love your girls. My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this very sad time. Tracy Dewhurst

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  17. I took your advice and hugged them all. Be strong mate. All the best!

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    1. Thanks Russ. Keep hugging 'em every day. ;)

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  18. Russ, It's been a while since we worked together but I can remember, clear as day, how much pride you had in family. I am so sorry that this dreadful tragedy has happened. Sending you my thoughts and sympathies.

    Linda Horn x

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  19. Lee Cambell here
    I am gutted to hear this. You are a top bloke with a beautiful family. As a father of four I cannot imagine the pain you all must be going through.
    Lots of love
    Lee
    X

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    1. Thanks Lee. Lots of love to you & your family too. x

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  20. So sorry for your loss my heart goes out to each and every one of you I know how you feel

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  21. Russ, I am so sorry.

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  22. Russ I don't know you but I am so sorry to hear about your loss . We as a family also lost someone very special 2 months ago in the same woods . Aged 16. No words can take away the pain . I send my love to yourself and indeed your family at this very very difficult time xx. Heartbreaking xxx

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    1. Thankyou. It's so kind of you to think of me, of others during your own grief, I'm finding doing the same helps with the pain, sharing a little love. xx

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss Mr Payne. I supported Rosie alongside some other students at college during her time there. She was a delightful girl and so proud of herself when she completed her course. My thoughts are, of course, with you all at this most difficult time although no words can comfort you, it was a pleasure to have known your daughter.

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  24. I am a firm believer in the truism that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Knowing you, meeting Chloe is all I need to know just how amazingly beautiful Rosie was from the inside out. Our journeys can be difficult. There are scars and wounds that we gather along the way, inside & out, which is maybe why she gravitated to Darcy, which is why no matter how often we tell someone, show someone our love, we cannot force someone to see themselves as we see them & they have a hard time believing it. But she is loved, she loved deeply and revealed LOVE daily. And I believe that love is stronger than death.Rosie's story helped me on Friday, sit with a family who lost their infant son. And if she could do that for someone on the outside circles who is thousands of miles away, how much more will she do for you who hold her so dearly in your hearts. She will continue to touch, bless and enrich the lives of many.You are an amazing man and I am honoured to have you in my life. Aidan PS Give Darcy a hug from me

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    1. So touched by your words Aidan, thankyou. Darcy got the hug. x

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  25. So sorry to hear your sad news Russ.

    Jame K

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    1. Russ, I'm so so very sorry to hear about Rosie. I know how much you dote on your three girls. I'm sending all my love to you and Wendy and the rest of your family. Thank you so much for taking the time to write your message. Its beautiful xxxx You look after yourself, Wendy and the girls. You are a lovely guy and so many people care about you and are thinking about you. Much love xxxxx

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  27. Russ, I can not comprehend the terrible loss you and your lovely family must be experiencing. Please know that we all love and care about you all and pray that in time you will draw comfort from in each other and your happy memories of Rosie. She was in all our hearts, she meant so much to our whole family. I will always love her and never forget her. My tears won't stop and she we live on in my memory always. Such a beautiful, wonderfully awesome, sweet girl. If only she knew what she meant to so many.

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  28. It's taken me too long to finally send your family a message. I know that nothing I say will make Rosie's passing any easier. But I do want you to know how glad I am that I knew her. She was such a ray of light to me and her group of friends. Every day she bounced into the room, those cheeks of hers glowing with her wide smile. We shared many moments of laughing until it hurt, and debated over how to save the planet. I send your family and all of Rosie's friends my deepest sympathy and hugs.

    Lisa

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    1. Thanks Lisa xx She did bounce! Thanks for your lovely words. :)

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  29. I don't know how you found the strength to write such amazing words. Thinking of you at this terrible time x
    Tru

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  30. Russ and family
    I am truly heartbroken for you to hear your dreadful news. I know we only worked together for a short time but I do remember what a close and loving family you are. I hope your love and support for each other will help you with terrible tragedy.
    Lynne Atkinson

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  31. You are such a lovely man, I cannot begin to express how very, very sorry I am that you and your family suffered this tragedy. If there is anything I can do, please, please let me know. -

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    1. Thanks Dave, you've already helped, we've found all the kind messages a real support.

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  32. I can't stop crying. Devastated, I'm so sorry for you all.. Tell Wendy you're all in our thoughts and prayers.

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  33. I was so touched reading your post Russ, thank you for sharing those words so honestly and truthfully. Your attitude is inspirational, thinking of others at such a difficult time, sending you my love and hugs.

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  34. Russ I was heartbroken to read about the loss of your beautiful daughter, Rosie. Just can't believe it... You always talked about your family with such honest love and good humour. Sending you, Wendy and the girls my heartfelt sympathy and much love at this sad time - Rose xxx

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